Imagine you are driving down the highway on a perfect fall day. Your current favorite song is playing and you have not a care in the world. Then you meet or see a State Trooper. All of a sudden your heart is beating fast and you have turned your thoughts to your speed whether you actually were speeding or not. That feeling? Yeah that’s what an anxiety attack feels like, except it doesn’t go away once you are away from the state trooper (not speeding). Imagine dropping your 3 month old off at daycare for the first time then going to function in society caring for patients all day. Your pulse is racing. Your blood pressure is up. You are crying uncontrollably at times and calling daycare hourly to check on him. As a 33 year old control freak, not being in any control to make it stop was a nightmare, which just made me even more anxious. This was what my first experience with true anxiety was like. I had no idea what hit me.
I went home that night and all was fine with my baby. I was purely exhausted emotionally and physically. Worried if my son would sleep after being away all day and not napping on his usual schedule. I laid down to go to sleep, yet the anxiety creeped back in 100x worse.
I laid there praying for God to take it away. Negotiating that I would stop obsessing over stupid things if he would just let me sleep. I never fell asleep. I got up the next day to do it all over again but this time I made a call to my OB. They called me in a prescription just based on my voicemail, Zoloft. I said I needed something to help me sleep, so I thought well maybe the “Z” meant sleep (yes I do health care but SSRI’s were not my forte). Caleb went to get it for me and I prayed again I could sleep. No sleep. If anything, my anxiety was worse. Rinse and repeat the next day but my blood pressure was over 160/90 at times (it ran 110/70 my entire pregnancy). I called my OB again and this time he personally called me back. I guess I sounded a mess on the phone and he called me in Xanax. He could have called me in a tranquilizer gun and I would have probably used it at that point. I was completely out of control. I had to regain control of myself so I could work and care for my children. Again, took my medications before bed praying for sleep. Yet no sleep. I read my bible all night long. Caleb stayed up with me at times. We tried everything we could think of to help me relax. Nothing. I watched the clock turn every hour, all night long until morning. Then faced another day full of work and motherhood.
This was not supposed to happen. I was a second time mom. I knew what to expect with babies. I was 3 months post partum. I had put so much pressure on myself to make him sleep perfectly like I had trained Wylie and became obsessed over it. So going back to work, I was no longer “in control” of the naps and I believe that pushed me over the edge, in addition to a horrible flu season and I was scared he would get it after having been in the NICU for lung issues at birth. But naps and germs were not the only trigger. My anxiety seemed to come on in massive waves when I was feeding him a bottle. He had to be in the NICU for the first 4 days of his life and he had reflux also. I think I was afraid in the back of my mind he would aspirate on his bottle so I was obsessed with feeding him in the correct position and him finishing it to sleep well and if he would reflux it back up in his sleep. I would have Caleb feed him every chance I could to reduce the anxiety waves coming on so strongly. I also would worry with someone else feeding him other than myself or Caleb if they were doing it correctly. Finding your trigger is very important to overcome anxiety to avoid it as best possible, or find a way to face it eventually with correct treatment.
I think back to this time in my life and everyone who reached out to me. Yet nothing truly helped. I needed answers. I wanted a “when is this going to end?” definite answer. I think back now to what I could say to someone in that position that I would have wanted to hear.
“It’s not your fault. Your life is not over. You did nothing wrong. God is not punishing you for being a perfectionist. He is not punishing you for not reading your bible enough. He doesn’t work like that. Looking back now, He used that experience to create a better April. A better wife, mother, friend, employee. One that could semi live in the moment, something I had never been able to do. One that didn’t get completely bent out of shape waiting in line, behind a log truck, running late, fretting to not pick up her babies in her own time frame. You will be ok. You’ll be better than ok. Do whatever it takes to heal yourself as fast as possible and sort out the details later. You have tons of options to try to relieve this naturally, but you don’t have to do them all right now. Survive. Just survive, girl. Lean on whoever you must to get through the day. Your village is rock solid and don’t be afraid to ask for help. And no, driving off the side of the mountain will not solve your problems because the world is a better place with you in it. Your kids need you. Your husband needs you. You will overcome this. God will use you! He works for the good of those that love Him.”
This could seriously be the longest blog post in America if I called out everyone who reached out to me and helped me or just said they were praying for me. As someone who had never experienced anything like this before, the empathy I received was amazing and now I can empathize for others especially my patients who most all have some form of anxiety or depression. After almost 2 long weeks, my medications kicked in and I could sleep in short increments again. I worked on my sleep hygiene by avoiding screens and would read when I couldn’t sleep and would usually fall asleep eventually, slumped over on the couch. I began taking magnesium glycinate. I used essential oils, especially Ylang Ylang to avoid having to take Xanax. I took lots of epsom salt baths and would get out of bed if i could not sleep to reduce the “pressure of going to sleep.” Already being an essential oil user and in healthcare, I knew being on prescriptions was not my destination. Although I hate to think what may have happened had they not been there.
About 4 weeks after the storm first hit, my sister-in-law informed me that changing my diet could help. I was skeptical and hesitant to make more changes in my life as I had a career, a husband, home, 3 year old and infant to care for. I researched further seeing there was research on this topic. I made an appointment with a naturopathic doctor and had a zyto scan. It revealed that I had estrogen dominance, liver toxicity (it needed detoxed as it houses old hormones), leaky gut, and yeast over growth. She gave me options I could use to “treat” all these issues and of course recommended I remove gluten, dairy and refined sugars from my diet. I went home and did research on the given diagnoses and all my current and even past symptoms completely lined up. (History of thrush and toenail fungus and insomnia from 1-3am were big ones) I decided to go all in, getting most of the supplements I needed and removing gluten, dairy, refined sugar and caffeine. I also decided to wean myself SLOWLY off the Zoloft. The withdrawals from all these things at once were insane. Headaches were terrible. I would bathe my head in peppermint oil and drink water all day.
By the end of April 2018 (this all began early February) , I was completely off all of my prescription medications and my detox diet was going well. I felt better than ever with more energy and clarity of my mind. The terrible side effects of numbness from the Zoloft were gone. On the medication my mind felt numb and I also lacked sexual response. Off the medication there was no more fogginess from the poor diet or chemicals in the medications. Responses came back (wink). I began to SLEEP ALL NIGHT for the first time since 2014. I was a better mother with more patience and could “live in the moment” for the first time in basically my whole life. I didn’t snap at my family like I used to. I didn’t obsess over being late, running behind or the kitchen not being 100% perfect.
I soon after read the book by Max Lucado, “Anxious for nothing” and it was amazing. I could not believe how the Lord used my anxiety and that whole experience to change me for the better. Not only to teach me more how to trust in Him and not worry over things, but how to change my diet to control my body and health. Because a few weeks later another health battle was on the verge and it was debilitating in a whole other way. (this post is coming at a later date…)
If you or someone you know is battling anxiety of any kind, especially with attacks and abnormal vital signs due to it, please get help. In all seriousness, it’s not something that may just go away on its own. If it lasts a day, two weeks or a month, it needs to be dealt with especially to make sure it does not come back. It’s treatable in more ways than one and you can find something that will help you and I am happy to shed any advice I can personally. Do not fight it alone. Sleep well, mamas. God is molding you.
The Gut Gospel 